The exhaustion of existential rage and grief and despair has visited upon at least seven participants in this study, and likely more. Participants turned to creating tangible materials, sometimes sharing their creations in public, and in doing so were reminded of their bodies and reminded to cherish them. These bodies have carried us so far and made so much life.
I don’t know academic life in any other fields than ELOP, but perhaps academic life in education is unusual as an applied and scholarly field. We are expected to continue living our former professional practice by remaining active with community organizations, conducting research through practitioner partnerships, and providing technical assistance and professional learning opportunities. Yet we also lose touch with some of the most joyful parts of working in education systems if we commit to academia. If we serve as program directors and department chairs, we see students less, are often in K-12 schools less, sit in more meetings on campus. It all is important work, but it is farther away from the (smells, sounds, and feelings of) teaching, learning, and leadership in K-12 education.
We only have so much capacity, despite expectations to expand a research agenda and take on academic leadership while maintaining prior performance and roles. Watercolor has helped me explore the ways both to control the movement of the color and to let it go. You did what you had to do for a while.
Do you know the existential grief and rage of having committed your professional work to a field and stepped back to realize that constantly pushing and fighting has deteriorated your body and spirit? And, being so strong, do you know what it’s like to come back to life as a whole human, including a scholar? Do you know what it’s like to come back and still not be sure if you’re whole?
This painting represents opposition, and I don’t know which side we will make the winner.
Studies
